Hi, this is Shire. Thank you very much for coming to my room again♫

[Self-esteem-1 is here]

So, obviously I was shocked how the people I met at my music school in NY had so much confidence in themselves. They were not always much better than others. I actually did way better performance at many classes, but they were really confident and didn’t seem to get much depressed by being beaten by people like me. Instead, they became brightly challenging me and told me how great they were and their technique & attitudes. 

I couldn’t understand how come they could be so confident in themselves when they were in front of someone way better than them. If I were them, I would not show any such confidence (more like self-pride) and secretly work very hard, and then I would do my best to beat them at a stage on the judgement day (concert, audition, etc.). Well, this was the only way I could do at that time since I was totally lack of confidence. I could only judge/measure my progress by how my teachers evaluated me, not my own feeling of accomplishment.

It was very sad.

I could only judge myself as a good/hard worker by how many hours I did practice, some complicated performing skills I could master, good results of my performance evaluations, and good reactions from the audience. They were all “outside” things. I didn’t have eyes & ears to know how “I” really felt about myself.

Lack of self-esteem really means “lack of ability to know who I am, how I really feel, what I really love as soul.”

I always tried to look for myself outside world. I thought the answers would be outside somewhere which made me even cross the ocean and stayed a foreign county for a long time.

[continue to part 3]











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